Colorad-snow.

I opened the door and put my foot out into the snow. It sank a couple of feet and my “new experience”-alarm-bells went off.

I went out and shoveled the snow off of the sidewalk out front. You have to do this by law. For a beginner, I was proud of my efforts and took a photo.
Next I wandered down the street admiring all the prettiness of the snow and watching different people’s techniques at getting snow off driveways and sidewalks. Most just had shovels like me. I saw one woman with a machine that looked like a lawnmower and she was pushing it around and it was spraying snow out the side. Other people had ride-on versions.
I was excited and was taking lots of photos as I wandered around Erie. People must have thought I was nuts. It was clear that I was the only person who was outside for fun. As I walked past bemused Coloradans momentarily distracted from de-snowing their driveways, my funny little accented voice rang out into the chilled air making noises that would have sounded like this: “Gid afta-noon!”, “Thet looks loike faan!” or “Noice day fer ut!”










I got back home and decided that I'd construct a snowperson out the back. It didn't really work out though cos the snow is just too darn powdery and hard to pack! Maybe there's a trick to it. Maybe you just need more than one worker. Anyway, below is my aborted attempt. It's more like a snowmound really.

How to grow a Snow Man.

Growing a snowman is easy! It's good when you have no real friends and need some company. To be perfectly honest, a Snow Man provides little company, but it's better than being Nigel No-mates. Anyway, here's how you do it:

1. Choose a patch of ground where there are not likely to be any people or animals to interrupt the process. I chose my disgusting backyard. IMPORTANT: There needs to be a red bucket near the site otherwise this will not work!
2. Every night, before your bed time, repeat the following rhyme that I just made up:

Silly Billy, Peter Pan,
Jack be nimble, ripped and tanned.
I've got no friends to eat my flan,
Beam me down a real Snow Man!,
or Snow Woman.

Then, the next morning, you go outside into the shitty backyard and this is starting to happen:

3. Make sure you keep repeating the spell every night, otherwise all you'll end up with is a snow Foetus - (not half as fun, and a little creepy).
4. At this point, the Snow Being has reached adolescence. Soon, it will begin frothing out snowy spunk, not unlike human adolescence. One of these particles of spunk will develop into the head of the snowman. In fact, there is evidence of the seed of the head to the right of the photo.
5. Here's what I was describing in point four. I stress, keep saying the spell. You don't want the Snow Foetus to be stuck in adolescence forever.
6. The head is now attached to the body. This is one of the most special parts of the whole Snow Man creation. If you get a chance to witness this moment, bring popcorn.
7. Another violent discharge marks the point when the Snow Man is about to be born.
8. Finally, on day 8, the arms now erect, there is one more violent eruption, and the Snow Man springs to life!

It's easy. Now have a go yourself.